


Guilt

by Runic



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Byleth just wants everyone to be happy, F/M, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Blue Lions Route Spoilers, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Golden Deer Route Spoilers, Fix-It of Sorts, Spoilers, Time Travel, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-09-28 06:48:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20421695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Runic/pseuds/Runic
Summary: If she could go back and save Dimitri then there was a chance to fix those terribly sad smiles. The price would only be her precious Golden Deer and their intrepid leader, the man she had promised her love.Or, in which Byleth goes back and chooses the Blue Lions instead of the Golden Deer.





	1. Sad Smiles

**Author's Note:**

> I had been out lining this idea when I saw someone post that they wanted to make art for a similar idea, and I just really needed it in my life. I have a whole bunch of fluff I’m working on, but apparently the pain and suffering come first. 
> 
> I will add more characters to the list as they become important to the story, but expect appearances by most of the Blue Lions and Golden Deer.

They were making her Queen.

Byleth took a deep breath as the trumpets sounded, announcing her arrival. Seteth’s unwavering voice called out her titles, but she hardly heard. When the doors opened she moved automatically, feeling as if she had very little control over her body. It simply moved because it knew it was supposed to. 

It was a momentous day. It was supposed to be a happy day. Perhaps she would have let herself feel happiness if he was here, but Claude was off pursuing his dream in Almyra. He had the power to keep her stable, to remind her of all the good they had brought about. But without him, Byleth somehow found those memories fog covered and inaccessible.

As she walked into the throne room the feeling turned into a monster, demanding to be fattened on her suffering and doubt. Her Golden Deer were all there. She had seen them through, but all had scars from the war.

Marianne had grown so strong. The girl could hold her head up with pride. She was quick to step in should anyone need assistance, filled with a confidence born of necessity. 

Ignatz had the courage to tell his parents his dream of becoming a painter. He had seen how short life could be, and no longer wished to waste time not living for what truly made him happy.

Leonie had developed a habit of taking a step in front of her friends, always slightly shielding them even though the threat had supposedly ended. 

Lorenz had grown grimmer in way only those close to him would have noticed. Although far from the schemer he chastised Claude for being, he possessed a keen political mind. That mind still believed in the duty of the nobility, but there was little joy in it for him. 

There was a hesitancy to Hilda’s smile that had never been there, not since before Dimitri...

Dorothea caught her eye, standing close to the front with the rest of her former classmates. The songstress had joined the Golden Deer because of the friendship she had formed with Byleth, and it had led her here. She gave Byleth a smile that did not quite reach her eyes. It sent a jolt through Byleth, a screaming echo in her head, turning into a desperate plea of denial.

_Ferdie!_ _Please! _

_ Bernie, I am so sorry. _

Petra reached out a gentle hand to intertwine her fingers with Dorothea’s, sensing her need for support.

Byleth turned her head sharply, only to meet the same sad smile from Sylvain. Poor Sylvain stood with the tattered remains of the former Kingdoms representatives.With Annette and Dedue missing, he was the only known surviving member of the Blue Lions house. There was no one to stand beside him and offer him comfort. He had joined her class on a whim, and she had destroyed him.

_ The sword swung toward Marianne, but Sylvain’s lance caught it, deflecting the blow and knocking Felix off balance. It was pure instinct that drove Sylvain to spear his opponent, and even as the lance pierced Felix’s chest Byleth could see the horror forming on Sylvain’s face. Felix reached up a hand, using the very lance that was still through his body to steady himself. The corners of his mouth turned up in the barest of smiles. Cocky? No, that wasn’t quite right. She could see his lips move, imparting his final words to his friend. Sylvain dropped the lance and dismounted, pulling Felix into his arms. _

_ With a scream of anguish so terrifying it could hardly have come from a human, Ingrid raced toward Sylvain. Claude’s arrow took out her mount, and she crashed to the ground only feet from her classmates. _

_ Mercedes met a similar fate as Lysithea stepped in to stop her from attacking Rapheal. And all the while Sylvain could only cling to Felix’s body. _

It was necessary. It had been necessary. Dimitri had not listened. If only he had listened they could have helped each other stop Edelgard.

Edelgard…

_ I wanted...to walk with you... _

Byleth’s foot caught on the lowest stair. She breathed deep, her fists clenched tight. She clung to the weight of her engagement ring on her hand, trying to focus on the good accomplished. The world she and Claude would make would be one of acceptance. She would lead Fódlan to a new dawn. She would break down the centuries of lies Rhea had put in place and open Fódlan to the rest of the world. She had done all she could to save those dear to her.

Or had she?

At Seteth’s soft cough, Byleth was brought back to reality. She forced herself to continue the short climb up the dais, but every step felt her heart continue to sink. 

Byleth turned to face the gathered crowd. It was full of the faithful who were now counting on her, a burden she almost despised Rhea for handing to her. Soldiers of both the Alliance and the Kingdom were intermingled throughout, all still battle worn. Some had stood with her, and some against, but all were ready to lay down their arms now. 

And there again was Sylvain. 

If she could have saved Dimitri would it have also saved Sylvain? Would Felix and Ingrid also be beside him now? No, Dimitri was too far gone, too far into his own darkness to trust any word she said. But if she had chosen the Blue Lions instead of her precious Golden Deer? Perhaps.

It would mean giving up everything that made her her. Her time at Garreg Mach had made her who she was. She had learned joy and pain in equal measure, and come to treasure all of her students there as family. Could she give it all up for a chance that things might be better if she had taken another route? They had won the war and defeated those who slither in the dark after all. What if she could not do it again?

She would have to give up Claude.

Perhaps if he had been there, smiling up at her, she could have held onto all the joy and love her heart held. She did not love him any less, but at the moment it was hard to fathom why her happiness was more important than all of Fódlan’s.

_ I love you. Please forgive me. _

Seteth placed the crown on her head, and the world disappeared, condensing to a single voice. It was a voice Byleth had not heard in years, but had once known so intimately within her own soul. The voice of a very annoyed progenitor god screamed in her head.

_ What have you done? _

But there were other voices as well, the voices of those no longer dead, and they demanded more attention at the moment.

“This will be your first time at the monastery. I’d be happy to show you around.”


	2. Strengthening Resolve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Byleth must resolve herself to make a choice between the houses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of trouble writing this chapter, and I realized the reason is that right now I very much just want to write the ending scenes. But I can't do that, or else we will never get to the ending scenes. I'm going to go write some fluff now, because that is what I need in my life.

A wave of exhaustion and nausea washed over Byleth. She stumbled, letting out a gasp. It was either that or try to ignore it all, fail, and completely fall on her face. Something the war had taught her was that sometimes fracturing was the way to avoid breaking.

A strong arm reached out and grabbed her around the middle, helping her stand back up straight. “Whoa. You okay there?”

Byleth looked up right into bright green eyes. For a moment she forgot to breathe, intensely aware of how close Claude was holding her. She could feel his hip against hers, his arm strong and comforting as he held her in place. His face was so close it was the only thing she could see in her whole world. She swallowed hard, catching the glint in Claude’s eyes as he noticed her reaction. True, his closeness affected her, but not for the reason he had assumed.

“Thank you,” Byleth managed, feeling the heat in her face and knowing her cheeks were flushed red. She placed a hand against Claude’s chest, gently pushing him away despite wanting to just let him continue to hold her.

“No problem.” Claude let her go, removing his arm but not his smirk. Those calculating eyes were judging her, trying to figure out if this was something he could use in the future. She had not seen him look at her like that in a very long time.

“Are you all right?” Dimitri asked, concern on his features.

“I’m fine, just a little tired.” Byleth tried to reassure him.

“Understandable,” Edelgard said. “We did set out without much time to rest right after a battle. But we will be at the monastery soon.”

Byleth nodded and let their gentle chatter wash over her as they continued. She had made her decision to come back so fast she had not really planned what she would do beyond choosing the Blue Lions. 

_ Well you better figure it out fast.  _ Sothis drawled. Byleth could picture her leaning back in her throne and yawning.  _ Otherwise you’re going to draw a lot of attention to yourself and mess this whole thing up. By the way, with how much power you used in this insane plan of yours, you will need to be careful twisting the hands of time. It will probably exhaust you terribly when you do so now.  _

_ It will be worth it if I can save them.  _ Byleth answered. She drew her focus to her father as the knights and students left to their own dealings in the monastery, leaving her with her father.

“Are you all right, kid?” Jeralt asked. “You’re acting more distant than usual.”

“Just tired,” Byleth repeated the lie.

Jeralt ‘hmm’ed softly, obviously not believing his daughter, but deciding to move on for now. “Rhea’s here.”

Byleth looked up and caught sight of the Archbishop. She was the one Byleth truly needed to be concerned about.  _ Can you tell what I’ve done? _

_ If anyone can, it would be Rhea. _ Sothis answered.  _ This seems like a good time to remind you that should something repeat despite your efforts then it is fate. Trying to change fate will not go well in your favor. _

Jeralt. Byleth quickly turned to look at her father, eyes wide. How could she have forgotten? She would have to watch her father die again.

“Kid?”

Byleth shook her head before he could continue. “Nervous,” was her one word answer. As far as Jeralt was concerned his daughter still had trouble expressing herself and did not yet really know how to handle herself around others. It made her sick to lie to him. The regression she would have to pretend at was yet another thing piling up on her mountain of guilt. 

/

She stood at the end of the Officer’s Academy, overlooking the view of the surrounding area. She had briefly talked to each of the house leaders and quickly introducing herself to the rest of the students before retreating to the relatively low trafficked area. They were all alive. Ingrid and Felix, Bernadetta and Ferdinand, all so full of potential and life. The joy she felt was overwhelming. This was why she was doing this, to keep that potential in the world.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” 

Byleth felt her heart stop as Claude leaned against the stone barrier, hands behind his head in a completely carefree posture. 

Dimitri came up beside him, his concern more open on his face. She saw it clearly now, the darkness he was barely controlling. She remembered the feral anger contorting his face at his final battle, etched onto his face even in death. How could she stop something like that?

Byleth looked back over her shoulder to the classrooms. Of course she had chosen a spot clearly visible from where both Claude and Dimitri were when she talked to them. She would have to be more careful, rebuild her guards to keep the rest of the world’s suspicions at bay. Or at least Claude’s. He would see through her in a minute if she continued on like this.

“You look slightly overwhelmed,” Dimitri added.

Byleth sighed and nodded. “I guess I am a bit. I did not even know about the Church until a few days ago, and now I’m to teach here.” Another lie, but if they had had this conversation the first time, it is what she would have said.

“Understandable,” Claude agreed, that all too fake smile on his face. He was searching for a chink in her armor, something to help him unravel the mystery that was this newcomer. 

Byleth forced herself to shove away her emotions, catching the split second as something deeper flashed behind Claude’s eyes. He had noticed the change, and something akin to approval and joy slipped past his own defenses, rising to the perceived challenge.

Dimitri coughed softly, making the other two realize how long the silence between them had stretched on. “Have you made your decision yet? Or is there more information we could give you that would be beneficial?”

“Yeah.” Claude perked up again, the false smile firmly back in place, set against the mask Byleth now wore. He placed his hands on the stone railing and lifted himself up, sitting with his back to the long drop. “What can I do to tempt you over to the Golden Deer, Teach?”

“Now Claude, I’m sure the new Professor is above such bribery,” Dimitri interjected, his tone teasing. 

Byleth studied them as Claude turned his attention to his fellow house leader. Admiration. How had she not noticed that before? “Everyone has a price, Your Highness, and I don’t mean just money.”

“That is a rather cynical view.” Dimitri stepped closer to Claude as he shook his head. “I wish you would try to see the best in people, Claude.”

“I do!” Claude protested. “I just don’t pretend they also don’t have a worst.” His face softened and he sighed deeply. “Well this conversation took a turn I wasn’t expecting.”

Even despite their disagreement, there was a fondness between them. It was obviously an old argument they had had multiple times, but neither held any resentment to the other for their opposing points of view. Byleth watched as they continued to banter, her resolve building with each and every word. 

These two men would do great things. They would form a golden age for each of their nations.

She just had to make sure they both saw their dreams come true.

“If you’ll excuse me, I do believe Rhea is waiting for me,” Byleth interjected.

“Oh!” Claude jumped off the railing, nearly taking out Dimitri in the process.

“Hey!” 

Claude ignored him. “Does that mean you’ve made your choice?”

“I have.”

Both boys stared at her, waiting for her answer. “Well?” Claude finally asked.

Byleth shook her head, fighting the smile that was tugging at the corners of her lips. “That would be telling.” She spun on her heel and began the trip back to the second floor, ready to give the answer that would change everything.

/

The next morning Byleth walked into the Officer’s Academy. For the briefest of moments her feet took her to the Golden Deer classroom, but she recovered quickly enough to simply make it appear as if she were giving a curious look inside.

She stepped over the threshold of the Blue Lions classroom, and was immediately met with smiling faces and a barrage of questions. 

And Dimitri. He stood in the center of his friends and classmates, just as eager to welcome her. Byleth could still see the darkness in his eyes, but she swore to herself that this time it would be different. She had sacrificed too much to fail.

This time she would protect him.


	3. Cruel and Wrong

The bandits were defeated, once again, and some of the Blue Lions were not thrilled by their first kills. Not that Byleth would have been thrilled in her own turn if they were. She marched them straight to the dinning hall. Without a word she began to make hot chocolate, setting cups down in front of Annette, Ashe, and Mercedes, the three who seemed the most affected.

Sylvain grabbed his own cup, his ability to keep a smile on his face lightening the mood. Ingrid followed his example, and soon the group settled into a, if not normal, more at ease rhythm. It took some prodding from Sylvain, but Felix was eventually pulled into the group as well. There was some genuine laughter from them after that.

That left only Dimitri and Dedue, standing off to the side talking quietly as they watched the rest of their classmates. Byleth walked over to them, shoving cups of warm liquid into their hands before they could protest.

Dimitri blinked at her slack jawed for a moment before recovering and taking a sip. Dedue managed to do so with a little more grace. “Thank you, Professor.”

Byleth nodded. “You did well,” she said, keeping her voice low so as not to disturb the other Lions. “We will focus more on tactics in your training. I think we will practice the two prong attack again.”

“With me spearheading the other front?” Dimitri clarified.

Byleth nodded again. “Your leadership abilities show promise, but we will talk about it more later. For now, you’ve all earned a bit of rest.”

The three of them stayed off to the side, Byleth folding into their soft conversation with more ease than she expected. Not that they were left there for long. No, the other Lions weren’t about to allow that.

And so, Byleth ended a very bad day surrounded by warmth and laughter. And for a moment, when Dimitri smiled, the darkness did not cloud his eyes.

/

Byleth took a deep breath, trying to reign in her anger. This had been so much easier the last time when her emotions were still emerging. She had not even questioned her orders then. She had not even thought about how cruel and wrong it would be this time around until the words fell from Rhea’s lips.

“Lady Rhea? May I have a moment?” She hoped her voice was as level as it sounded to her own ears.

Rhea turned and smiled at her, the same one she always wore when she looked at Byleth. Byleth barely suppressed a shiver. Now that she knew why Rhea smiled at her like that, it made her more than a little uncomfortable. Figuring out what to do about Rhea and her mother worship was just another thing on her growing list of concerns.

“Of course, Professor,” Rhea answered, brushing off Seteth’s protest before he could utter a word. “Give us a moment, Seteth. I will be along momentarily.”

Seteth looked none too pleased, but bowed respectfully to Rhea. “Very well, Lady Rhea.”

Rhea waited until the click of Seteth’s boots had faded from hearing before turning her full attention back to Byleth. “What is it that I can help you with, Professor?”

“I wanted to ask why you decided to give this mission to my house,” Byleth stated, cutting to the chase. Despite how much she wanted to rage at the woman, Byleth knew hostility would get her nowhere, and so kept her tone as close to her normal monotone as possible. “Lonato is Ashe’s adoptive father.”

Rhea’s smile disappeared, her eyes going hard. It was the face she wore when confronted by those who would dare oppose the Church. “Do you think he will be a liability?”

“No!” Byleth said quickly, shaking her head. “I simply believe it is cruel to make him choose like this. I do not doubt he will fight for his friends, but he should not have to fight his own father.”

“His father has decided to make us an enemy, and by extension he has made Ashe his enemy as well. If you believe Ashe is not up to the task, then leave him behind.” Byleth knew Rhea was fully aware that would not happen. Ashe would not stay behind when his friends were in danger. “But as you are not in the front lines for this mission, it is unlikely that Ashe will even have to see Lonato. I think he would want this opportunity to prove his loyalty.”

It was said with such finality that Byleth knew she would get no further. She turned on her heel before Rhea could dismiss her and marched away, knowing it was a stupid move, but too angry to care.

_ Making enemies will not help your cause,  _ Sothis pointed out.

Byleth did not answer her. Because she knew what she had to do now, and it would take a lot for her to ever be able to forgive Rhea for it.

/

As they filed out of the classroom, multiple Lions tried to go to Ashe, but backed off when Byleth shook her head. Dimitri lingered, concerned blue eyes darting between his professor and his classmate, but he too left to give them privacy when Byleth slid into the seat next to Ashe.

“How are you feeling?” she asked. Her eyes were forward, staring out the window at the back of the room, doing her best to give him a mixture of comfort and privacy.

Ashe answered with a chocked laughed. “Not great,” he admitted. “I don’t want to fight my father.”

“I don’t want you to fight him either.” Byleth sighed. “Rhea has given her permission for you to stay behind.” Even though she knew the answer, she had to offer him the choice.

Just as she thought, Ashe vigorously shook his head. “Please don’t insult me, Professor.”

“I wouldn’t do that, Ashe. You won’t leave your friends to face danger without you. It’s what I told her when she said it to me.”

Ashe sighed heavily and finally lifted his head to look at her. “I’m sorry, that was disgraceful of me. I just-” His voice cut off with a sob.

She knew that the last time she never would have done it, her emotions were still to new for her to understand and sympathize with Ashe, but without thinking about it, she wrapped her arms around him. It seemed to break something within Ashe. He sobbed into her shoulder, his whole body shaking as he clung to her like a child clinging to his mother after a nightmare. Except Ashe’s nightmare was still to come.

“I’m sorry, Professor,” Ashe whispered once his sobs had stopped, pushing away from her.

Byleth shook her head. “It’s all right, Ashe. Come on, let’s go get some tea.”

_ I wanted to protect them, and I’m already failing. _

_ Did you really think you could get through this while avoiding every wound?  _ Sothis asked, her gentle tone offsetting her harsh words.

_No, but that still does not excuse this._ _I have a month to prepare them._

_ Then prepare them well. _

/

“Felix, put up your sword.”

Felix looked at her like she was crazy, only to understand a moment later when Byleth knocked the training sword from his hands and a kick sent him sprawling backwards. There were shouts of surprise, but Felix was grinning as he started to get back to his feet. He threw himself into a backwards somersault when Byleth’s foot went for his head, popping back up and raising both his arms in front of his face to block her. Byleth still came on, leaving Felix only time to defend. 

For the most part, Felix managed to keep up with her. Whenever he had to take a blow, he twisted so that Byleth would not be hitting anything vital, allowing him to continue the fight longer than if Byleth had managed to land a serious blow. But still, he had a limit, and she could tell when he reached his, recognizing the desperate blow for what it was. She just barely managed to get her face out of the way, grabbing Felix’s arm and using his own momentum to throw him over her leg and to the floor for the second time.

Breathing just as heavily as Felix, Byleth looked down at her student and nodded her approval.

“I take it that means we’re going to focus on brawling today.” Felix found his feet again, trying his best to cover how weak his legs felt at the moment. He did not do a very good job.

Byleth gave him a long look, seemingly judging him despite knowing what her answer would be. “We will not sacrifice your sword skills, but if your weapon breaks again I want you to be able to properly defend yourself.”

Felix looked less than pleased to be reminded of their last mission when his sword had snapped and he had blooded his hands on a bandit’s armor. 

“Hey, uh, Professor,” Sylvain cut in.

Byleth turned to look at him, realizing the entirety of the Blue Lion’s house was staring in shock. “Yes, Sylvain?”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but you are scary...in a really hot way.”

Ingrid acquainted the back of his head with her hand.

Byleth simply shook her head, and turned her attention to her next project. “All right, Dedue, let’s go to the stables.”

Dedue looked like he would rather drop dead right then and there.


End file.
